Gnoman’s Case Files Part I

Gnoman Gumshoe is a gnome detective from the podcast Podquest: No Strangers to Adventure. This is an independent noir adventure set before the events of the podcast. As told by Gnoman (and written by Andrew Santoro)…

Part I

Her makeup is running. Her face is all wracked in anguish as she sobs. Don’t people know how ugly they look when they cry. I approach and place an arm around the gnome woman’s shoulders.

“B-b-but how can you not know where he is? They said you were the best!”

“And I told you I’m still working the case, Stella. It’s a big city and your husband’s a             little gnome but I always find what I’m looking for.”

I offer Stella a hanky from my pocket and begin to walk her out of the office.

“We’ll get him back, don’t you worry. I’ll be in touch.”

She thanks me and leaves. Poor Stella, her drunk husband wanders off one night and hasn’t been seen since. Sometimes I think us gnomes shoulda never come out of the woods, the big city can be tough on folks this small.

I plop myself down behind my desk, head heavy in thought. No one’s ever going to see that gnome again, this city chews people up but it don’t spit ‘em back out. Continue reading

BMMI Episode 32: Fair Spirits

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Hey! Did you ever see The Shining? Remember how people were displaced in time in that movie but they were just sort of walking around with modern-day people? The state fair is kind of like that and this week Andrew and Kelsey delve deep into that rich vein. Bruce Campbell stars in this SPIRITual sequel to The Shining. The poster features a featureless, ghostly outline of Mr. Campbell residing over the fair that he will eventually become trapped in forever, or has he been there all along? Find out in this week’s episode!

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BMMI Episode 031: A Single Bite

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This week’s episode serves up a simple yet elegant cooking film. In the vein of greats such as Big Night, I Am Love, and Ratatouille, A Single Bite pairs danger with desire, tradition with passion, and porridge with fish eyes. This movie has high stakes, high steaks, true love, true loss, and the best witches stew you’ve ever tasted. If only ears could taste the sumptuous line up of dishes described in this film. You’d never have to eat another shepherd’s pie again.

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BMMI Episode 030: Fingers of the Sun

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This week’s episode is all about the movie of the summer that will eclipse all this talk of eclipses: it’s about the eclipse. Hikers on the hunt for the best moon viewing spot encounter Jeffrey Tambor who stars as the leader of a cult determined to use the eclipse and a little bit of blood sacrifice to permanently block out the sun. Our poster this week may seem like a death metal poster but it’s actually the poster for a budget horror film involving a moon monster. Enjoy that summer sun while it lasts because it may be ending soon in a torrent of vampires and super werewolves!

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BMMI Episode 029: Familiar Faces

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This week’s episode exposes the naked face behind mask-centric films. Elijah Wood stars as a bored jokester armed only with a 3D printer and a high resolution scan of his face. And what else can you do but print a bunch of masks of your face and stick them on flies to confuse people. Wood’s pranks escalate to more daring feats in a world just realizing the immense, terrible power behind a really realistic mask. They’re not just for making pigs into the next James Dean, hypnotizing chickens, or scaring yourself when you forget you put one on your dog. Maybe all those masked supervillains were on to something.

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BMMI Episode 028: Love After Life

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This week’s movie is a rom-com but with vampires! Starring Christoph Waltz as the cool guy Dracula and Brendan Fraser as a goth wannabe vampire. The twist? These two lovers think the other one is fakin’ and that’s a dealbreaker! This week we go over all them weird twisty, topsy turvy rom-coms. Kelsey and Andrew talk about partially misremembered director’s cuts of Kate and Leopold–did you know she dates her great-great-grandson? But only in the director’s true vision.

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Essential Podquest Inventory: Pet Rocks!

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Ah yes, just what every adventurer needs on their perilous journey: a pet rock! These magical companions were first introduced to the party in part 2 of chapter one, Baenum Bandits upon entering Inna’s Shop.

Amongst souvenirs, jewellery, and finery, Inna sells enchanted rocks, albeit at a steep price. Each rock has a smiley face painted on, and remains inert until it has received food and some petting. Once awake, it’s likely to want a name to go by as well.

The local enchanter imbued each one with a random spell or ability that the rock will wish to use at their new friend’s request. Since the rocks themselves are souvenirs in a tourist boutique, it’s unlikely that any will have a powerful or dangerous enchantment (let alone relevant to the task at hand). Of course, that never stops Gnoman, Giacabo, or Digby from getting creative.

How long do rocks remain sentient? What kinds of magic do they command? Do any of them freak out upon gaining consciousness for the first time? Can you trust them as far as you can throw them? Why so many questions about rocks?! All these questions and more will be addressed as we continue the story of Podquest: No Strangers to Adventure!

BMMI Episode 027: The Most Dangerous Vacation

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This movie’s got a private island! A fresh oyster bar! And only one way to return home. That’s right, it’s a battle royale film! Paul Dano stars as a super smug rich boy that’s convinced he could survive a massive fight to the death. Lured guests are told only one person can leave the island alive, so they better get to killing. But Dano’s weekend plan falls apart when he’s sniffed out quickly by the guests as the man behind the murder game, and becomes the sole target of the hundred other people he’s trapped with him. Can he grovel, sneak, and cheat his way to survival? Will he realize this was just a perverted, roundabout attempt to make some friends before he’s gutted with a butter knife?

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BMMI Guest Ep 02: Twins of the Decade (with Special Guest David Hoh!)

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They’re ten years apart in age, but identical twins: Jamie Bell and Tom Holland are Twins of the Decade! This week’s movie harkens back to the days of pseudo-science, heart-warming comedies such as Twins, Junior, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. These two brothers are vying for the same role in the Detective Pikachu movie starring Dad (Danny DeVito), and it’ll take a great escape from Disneyland and a hearty Thanksgiving family dinner for them to sort out the complex emotions that come with one twin being stuck in the womb for ten years and popping out perfect.

This poster was designed by special guest David Hoh himself! If this poster tells you anything, it’s that this film is the next in line as a charming family Disney classic, and Jamie Bell just hates mascots so much.

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BMMI Episode 026: The Pigs

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Does anyone remember the Stephen King autobiography? You know, the one with the evil pigs who whisper scary stories into his sleeping ears and explains his unexplainable fear of fireworks on the 4th of July. Well maybe it’s not a book but we definitely made it into a movie. This week’s poster is doing it’s very best to emulate a classic Stephen King dust jacket much in the vein of Misery or Pet Sematary.

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